open and honestly
by esmeaplatt
Summary: Something he'd learned about Kate Beckett over the years — she didn't like to open up. She liked to keep her secrets, the humanizing facts of her life tucked away safely inside herself.


**open and honestly**

* * *

Something he'd learned about Kate Beckett over the years — she didn't like to open up. She liked to keep her secrets, the humanizing facts of her life tucked away safely inside herself. He'd been one of the only people that she'd let inside. There were stories she'd told him, things she'd shown him that no one else had gotten to see. The fact that he'd earned that trust made his chest tighten with pride.

In the months they'd been together, she'd spoken freely and happily. She told him of things he never would have considered asking, made him laugh with her childhood and teenage stories. They'd laughed so hard, their stomachs aching with it. The two of them had cried together on the floor of her bedroom. Castle could never forget that night. She let it all out, something he wasn't quite sure she'd ever done so freely. Her hand had clutched his, the strength making the bones of his palm press together painfully. Together, they'd shed tears for Johanna Beckett, for Kate's father, for the nineteen year old girl that had been forced to grow up overnight.

He'd learned that Kate liked to surprise him with her admissions, mentioning a detail or two nonchalantly. He, however, tucked those words away deep in the realms of his memory. He vowed to never forget the words she'd lovingly trusted him with.

Her habit of surprising him reared its head on the night she'd opened up about her relationship with Mike Royce.

They'd been cuddled up on her sofa, him lounging with his back against the armrest while she settled between his legs. Under the blanket that was thrown over them, her gentle fingers tracing along his pajama-pant covered knee had him nearly asleep.

He'd been so relaxed, his mind so far away from the random Netflix movie that they'd started an hour earlier that he had no idea what onscreen had prompted her admission.

"I meant it- what I said to Royce."

"Hmm?" He asked, lifting his head from where it had been resting against the back of the sofa.

Kate's eyes were still on the screen as she went on. "She must have trusted him."

"You trusted Royce." Castle stated.

"With my life." She looked back at him, lifting a hand to brush the hair that had fallen forward against his forehead back. "Oh, Castle, he was amazing. I was drowning and he pulled me to shore."

He waited for her to go on, not asking his questions loud enough for her to hear.

"We slept together but we weren't...anything official. It would have impacted both of our careers but I would have risked it. I would have fought all the eyerolls and sexist bullshit."

Castle smiled sadly. "Of course you would have. You do that every day."

A small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, her eyes shining with something he couldn't quite name.

"You loved him." He murmured.

"But he didn't love me."

"He was an idiot."

"Castle." Kate huffed. "He was so much older. He was trying to change his career, get his life together. What was he supposed to do with a broken twenty year old?"

"He shouldn't have slept with her."

Kate shifted, her brow furrowing. "Are you jealous?"

"No, I'm angry."

"It was years ago, Rick. We hadn't even met."

"That's not it." The writer sighed, softening his tone for her. They didn't need to fight, not over this. "I just- Kate, he was so much older than you."

"And you haven't slept with a woman younger than you? I'm pretty sure you're more than a few years older than me."

"Yeah, but I'm not taking advantage of young women that idolizes me."

"I was a grown woman."

"You were a twenty year old kid drowning in loss. You believed in him and he used that."

Kate scoffed, sitting up to scoot away from him so they were eye to eye. "Don't make it into something it wasn't. I used him for sex as much as he used me."

"You said you loved him"

"I did."

"Then you weren't using him for sex."

Kate fell silent, watching her boyfriend. The two of them always did their best speaking with their eyes.

"I wish we'd known each other back then." Castle murmured not for the first time. They'd had their fair share of 'what if?' conversations.

"We wouldn't have worked."

"Maybe not but I could have been there. As a friend."

She smiled a bit. "Who's to say I would have been your friend?"

"I would have convinced you."

"I was quite volatile back then. I might have tased you or something."

"I could've taken it."

Kate let out a little breath, studying the serious look in his eyes before averting her own. She brush his hair back again, tracing the tip of her finger down the shell of his ear. "You could have but I wouldn't have wanted you to. I wasn't someone I would have wanted you to know."

Castle shook his head, leaning forward to press his lips to her temple before sitting back against the armrest. "You were grieving, Kate. You weren't a monster."

"I felt like one."

"A monster wouldn't have felt the pain that you felt."

He did not miss the sight of tears forming in her eyes. They were only there for a second before she blinked them away. "Let's finish the movie, Castle."

She settled back against his chest, fixing the blanket around them. Castle pressed another kiss to the top of his head and then another to the side of her neck, tugging a watery giggle to escape her.

* * *

**anyway fuck mike royce**


End file.
